Guidelines for a successful family holiday

SINGAPORE – A month before our family holiday, we had sorted out the country, but not the detailed itinerary.

It was challenging because everyone had slightly different goals that managed to be both specific and vague.

One child’s goals were to enjoy the scenery, explore history, buy sports shoes and try hot pot. Another child hoped to eat sour and spicy noodles, do plenty of shopping, see nature, take a lot of pictures and visit the Great Wall.

My husband’s targets were to travel on a high-speed train, walk out every morning to look for local fare for breakfast, visit supermarkets and not be laughed at for his Mandarin. (Me: That’s one of your major holiday goals, not to be laughed at – really?)

Mine were for us to spend time together as a family, see historical Beijing, experience modern Beijing, try local food, catch any kind of spring blossoms, visit a local park and get out of the city for a few days. Modest aims.

Given this tangle of goals, only some of which overlapped, it feels like a big win that we managed a satisfying 12-day holiday after all. Noodles, hot pot, local breakfasts, shopping, shoes, history, nature, cherry blossoms, Great Wall, train, parks – all done.

Of new and occasionally unexpected experiences together, there were many – from a 2km walk uphill and downhill along a mountain ridge under the hot sun and a cloudless blue sky; to getting rained on and left chilled to the bone after a sudden drop in temperature on the Great Wall.

We discovered the deliciousness of Beijing meat skewers and learnt how to hail cabs with Didi, China’s ride-hailing service.

I believe holidays can be stressful, both before and during, and they have the potential to turn bad fast.

Based on trial and error and past mistakes, my husband and I have guidelines when crafting a family trip. Every family will have its own unique set of circumstances to build on.

No hot places

One consideration that affects our most basic decision – where to go – is the fact that our first child Kate, 22 this year, is autistic. If the weather is hot and muggy, she will turn around and head back to the hotel. Force her to stay – assuming we can even do that – and her mood and behaviour can deteriorate badly. So, regretfully, tropical countries and warm beach resorts are out for now.

Apartments, not hotel rooms

Kate is not high-functioning and is on anti-seizure medication. Someone has to be with or at least near her most times, ready to help if she needs something or starts having a meltdown.

That is why we prefer multi-bedroom apartments, where we can all be together and where any family member can keep an eye on Kate while being part of the interactions and conversations of the larger group. When we tried hotel rooms, I, with Kate in one room, felt cut off from everyone else. It is not a given that you will get rooms with connecting doors.

We don’t splurge on accommodation, so we are rarely in the best buildings in town or the most central. But opting for flats has allowed us to experience slightly bizarre, but always interesting places and locations.

No group tours

Neurotypical children have their own idiosyncrasies and requirements.

My two younger daughters are 20 and 16, and both use make-up, fuss about their hair and dress with a lot of care before going out for the day.

You can guess what that means – it takes ages for us to get moving in the morning. There will be at least one argument over who wore what last. It doesn’t help that they stay up late at night using their phones and are not up with the dawn.

Bottom line: We don’t plan for any activities before 10.30am. We don’t do group tours.

We overpack

Others can go out for the day with a simple sling bag. On holidays, I invariably have a backpack stuffed to overflowing, even for the simplest day trip.

I carry warm coats, a raincoat, a full change of clothes, spare socks, at least one bottle of water and a cup, a fork and spoon set for Kate, who does not know how to eat with chopsticks, a few books to keep her occupied, multiple packets of wet wipes, sweets, an airline vomit bag, and a pouch with medicines, plasters and antiseptic cream.

My husband will have the food bag that could include a box of fried rice or noodles, packets of sandwiches and more water. Yes, it is a hassle, but really, it’s no hassle at all.

I overprepare

As the saying goes, if you have five minutes to cut down a tree, spend the first three minutes sharpening your axe.

I must enjoy preparing, I do it so much.

Before the trip, I created the usual social story for Kate – a mini-book with simple words and pictures so she could be mentally prepared for what we would be doing, where we would be going, what it would be like (“There will be crowds and noise, but we are okay with crowds and noise…”), and how we would be travelling.

I made new identification tags for her, stating her condition in English and Chinese.

Two years ago, I wrote about how I had packed Kate’s favourite thin quilt for an overseas holiday so I could recreate a familiar and soothing environment for sleeping. This time, I did not take a blanket along, but I carried about 40 picture books that added 5kg to my bags.

In retrospect, Kate did not need that many. On the other hand, that allowed me to switch them often and she had a fresh set every few days. I’d like to think this abundance of favourite stories helped her stay mostly content throughout our holiday.

Life-affirming moments

Being back in Singapore means regular schedules come into play, as do work commitments and daily chores. It is too easy to lose the holiday glow and warm family feeling.

But we all know, and researchers confirm, that breaks in our routines and positive new experiences together can have many benefits and affirm family bonds.

Buoyed by the general success of this trip, I think we are ready to start planning for the next one.